“We have a heart for you,” Doctor S. said on September 24, 2017, a few hours before midnight.

It had been nearly a year since I almost died and was offered this heart. I came out of a coma after nearly a month, bearded, hands strapped to the side of the bed, tubes everywhere, weak, emaciated, exhausted, confused and surrounded by machines. I had no memory of what had happened.  My ex wife, who is my close friend, and my son were at my side.  Why, I thought?  What had happened to me?  I was a healthy man, took care of myself, ate well, and was fit.  I had been taken care of while in a coma by just a few nurses and doctors, who, as I grew stronger, told me that I needed a heart.  I accepted what had happened, and physically and mentally prepared over the course of the next year.  My life had changed, but I still had one.  I lived in the moment, not allowing my peace to be compromised by what might, or might not happen.  I knew that not everyone received the gift of life in time. After all, there is a list.  A tragedy must occur for each person ahead of me to make way for a transplant, if I were to get one.

When Dr. S told me that there was a heart for me, I knew that my long wait was over. I knew that I would soon get out of the hospital and get on with my life. Never had I felt such mixed emotions; relief, combined with the fact that I would survive only because another had lost his life.  One tragedy occurs, and another tragedy, a loss of my life, would be avoided.  As I thought that I would receive the gift of life, I knew that a life had been lost, and that the donor, or his family, had been generous and strong, providing the gift of life to me.  They were facing the worst day of their life, but saw their way to provide the gift of life to a man whom they had never met; the most precious gift I had been given since the day my son was born.  I thought of the birth of my son, while someone faced the loss of theirs. I could not be euphoric.  I knew the cost of my gift.  Just before I was taken to surgery, all the nurses and staff from the floor came to my room.  We held hands and prayed, not just for me, but for the donor and his family.

I promised myself that I would take care of that gift.  When people ask how I am, my response is, “Living the dream.”  I am alive.  I am grateful.  And I think of my unknown donor every day.  Life as a transplant survivor is nothing like I had ever imagined.  It is strange to have a heart beat in me, that kept another alive for years, until some tragedy struck. No one can feel it, not even the doctors who put this heart in me. The other survivors do.  And they are all grateful to the donor and donor who is keeping them alive.

Thank you, whoever you are. Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?

It has been a long time since I have written much of anything.  My new heart is working well.  Only seven months ago today, I was gifted a new heart. It is hard to believe that this morning I walked two miles and lifted weights on my new weight bench by the pool.

I am doing much better than I thought I would be. I am healthy, physically fit.  I walk, lift weights, and ride my bike.  I eat well.  I manage to get more than 30 minutes of cardio exercise per day, and 10,000 steps most days.  I cheat on Sundays.

I owe it to my unknown donor to take care of my gifted heart.  I know the heart that is in me might not have been donated, and might have been given to another person.  I really am grateful.

There have been a few difficult things to adjust to.  While waiting for a heart, I had to live completely in the moment.  Not one day at a time, not an hour at a time, but moment by moment, doing the best I could to not think of the future or the past, to control, to limit, what went in and out of my thinking.  I have been trained to live such a life, but there are periods when survival depends on it.  The ultimate act of survival is living in the moment.  Or, perhaps, living in the moment is the ultimate act of survival.

In the course of my life, I have been banged up a few times.  I have had broken bones, been cut, nearly lost an eye, had a concussion or two, cracked a few ribs, and nearly broke my neck. I can’t recall the name of a single doctor or nurse who put me back together.  Getting a heart is nothing like that.  I was a patient for over a year, in and out of the hospital, but mostly in. I know the names of all the doctors at the Heart Transplant Institute at Florida Hospital.  One, I asked, “How did you ever get a job here?”  He was taken aback.  “I thought they only hired bald doctors in the Transplant Group.”  He laughed and showed me the growing bald spot on the top of his head.  Another was surprised how tall I am.  I guess he had only seen me in bed.  I know the nurses.  They supported me and kept me alive for a long time, encouraged me, and prayed with me. These are special people.  I always look forward to my appointments, so I can see my friends, and show off how well I am.  Once in a while, I stop on the fifth floor to see the nurses there.  They seem to enjoy seeing someone who was so close to death, grateful and recovered.  I like seeing the staff folks, the woman who cleaned my room, and brought my meals.  Maybe they don’t get to see many who have recovered.

My dream of sailing around the world is over.  I didn’t have to come to grips with that until I had a new heart.  You see, once I was transplanted, I had to get on with life, and blue water sailing was not to be part of it.  Oh, I will sail again.  I plan to charter once in a while.  My first will be in the Caribbean, soon, I hope, and the next will be in the South Pacific. It won’t be the same, but at least it will be.

I am back to work, doing what I love.  I spent the last two months building machines with my son, Sam, for a workshop I will be teaching in Ohio next week with one of my partners from Europe.  I will be back in Europe this summer, and visit my cousins in Italy.

I bought a house.  It’s a fine place to live, not too far from the ocean.  When I ride my bike, I can see boats, lots of boats,  few of which are as fine as Ariadne, which has been sold.  That was a sad day. Yes, I have a house, but a house is not a sailboat, and a sailboat made my home a place of adventure.

There was a period in recovery that was tough for me.  It started a short while after I was transplanted. I knew something was odd, but had no idea what it was. Now I do.  One of the challenges for me was to stop being a patient.  As I said, I had been put back together a few times in the past, but never got to the point where my being, my existence, was one of a patient.  I never had to make the transition from patient to…well, to survivor, I guess, is one way to put it.

When I was patched up in the past, I went on with life, and didn’t give being patched up a second thought.  I was on to the next thing.  I have not gone a day without thinking of all that has happened since October 12, 2016, when this started, as I passed out driving a car.  Every day, I live with gratitude for just being alive.  I won’t ever just get on with life, without giving a second thought to those who saved my life.  I think of them every day.

But I think I have made the transition from patient, to SURVIVOR.

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/features/kayla-obrien/os-florida-hospital-heart-transplant-patient-sailing-world-20171109-story.html

I cried today, because I went outside.

A year ago, I wanted to sail around the world. It took years to get my boat, Ariadne, ready for this long journey.  She was at the entrance to the Panama Canal, ready to pass from the Atlantic to the Pacific on February 6, earlier this year, 2017.  I was living on a sailboat, and flying around the world to do my work, leaving Ariadne wherever she was. Now she is in a slip in Florida, for sale, where Hurricane Irma passed over her a few days ago, leaving no damage.  Ariadne got a power washing as other boats were beaten, scarred, and sunk.

I came to Florida on October 12 for two days, and passed out while driving. An ambulance ferried me to a Tampa Hospital where I had open-heart surgery to replace a leaky valve.  Three weeks later, in early November, I came out of a coma in Florida Hospital in Orlando, after a helicopter ride on life support that I don’t recall.  I had a drug reaction to a blood thinner that clotted my blood instead of thinning it, causing a massive heart attack.  From a weakened state in November, I left the hospital in a wheel chair, my sailing plans dashed, my sights lowered and objectives changed.  I wanted to walk again, and to get a new heart. I wanted to go outside, as opposed to living outside, as I had done.

Six weeks or so after I passed out, Zamarys wheeled me outside. I guess it was late November, the first time the sun kissed my face. I remember it as if God touched my face. I cried then, and I cried again today, only this time, on my feet.

I worked to restore my body for months as I waited for a heart.  My heart began to fail at a faster rate beginning in August, but a few drugs postponed the inevitable, and a transplant became more urgent. Once again, I am in a hospital ward, the intensive care unit at Florida Hospital as I await a heart to transplant.

I don’t think of sailing around the world. I do think of going back to work. But even that is not foremost. Now, I want to take a shower without tubes in me.  I want to sleep at night and not wake up, no tubes or wires to pull at me.

I want to go outside.  Today marked another month inside, a window keeping me from God’s world. Yesterday, I asked Dr. S, “Do you think I could go outside?”

I knew how difficult it would be and I was reluctant to ask, but he agreed. One nurse said, “The doctors always say, yes.  It’s the nurses who have to do all the work.”

There had to be a wheelchair, although I walked.  A large battery bank had to come along, just in case the power on any of the machines failed. They brought one of those machines that shock your heart back to life. There were three nurses and two technicians.

Three times a day I pass by the doors that lead to the elevator bank on my short walks.  Today, I passed though them on the way outside. It seemed like a milestone, as I thought I would only make it past that point on a stretcher on my way to surgery. The entourage got into the elevator. As we went down, one nurse asked me what I thought.  Already, I couldn’t speak, glad I was wearing a face mask, but wishing it covered the tears running from my eyes.

“This is the first time we have been able to get him not to talk.”

We made it off the elevator, then outside onto an isolated walkway, just us to avoid germs that might keep me from surgery. I just looked around, breathed in the air, so grateful just to be outside. We overlooked the lake behind the hospital.  Such beauty, so often taken for granted.

“It is moments like these that I love being a nurse,” one said.

I never want to forget these simple moments, the simplicity and beauty of God’s space.

National Organ Donor Registry

Please sign up. Would you want a heart for your child?  Take an organ, gift an organ

I went to church today. It isn’t a Catholic church.  If my mother were alive she would say, “You are going straight to hell for setting foot in that place.”  I even took communion with the pagans. That would leave no doubt in her mind as to my eternal fate. I hope she is busy in heaven on Sundays and doesn’t see me there.  Maybe she would take it easy on me now.  Who knows? She might be hanging out with the Protestants and Jews in heaven.

There is not so much ceremony as the Catholics. That’s OK with me.  The same thing Sunday after Sunday gets a little old. The pastor wears blue jeans instead of ancient garb.  I wore sandals today, and let myself off the hook because Jesus wore them as well. I also had shorts on, a first in church.  They start off with about 20 minutes of music and singing.  I started to show up a little past the official start time, sort of like the movies.  I don’t need to see the previews, especially since the three guys playing guitar only know four chords, drowning out one woman singing and another playing the violin, who I think knows what she is doing.

When I was a boy, my mother dressed my brother, Jay, and I in suits for Sunday mass at St. Anne’s Catholic Church in Groesbeck, Ohio. My mother and my sisters wore hats, of course.  My father usually wore a suit and a fedora, but removed it at the door of the church. I wish I could wear a fedora.  Maybe I will buy one the next time I’m in London. I used to buy my hats at Bate’s Hatter on Jermyn Street, where kings buy their hats. I wonder how a fedora would look with shorts and sandals.

I take notes if the minister says things that are interesting.  I never took notes in the Catholic Church.  Look, I like the Catholic Church.  I like any church, as long as good folks go there to find peace. That’s why I go.

Anyway, Pastor Billy is a young guy.  I was disappointed that Pastor Mike was standing in the back, as I like to listen to him.  I suppose he was in the back to size up Billy.  Billy managed to hold my interest with his message and delivery, even though I suspect I might be more critical than most. I even took notes.

Pastor Billy spoke about the day Jesus was confronted by the elders who brought a woman before him, who, they say, had been caught committing adultery. According to ancient law, they said, she was to be stoned to death. Now, Pastor Billy went into the message in detail, and I liked what he had to say. One part that struck me was, Billy said, that Jesus judged, and was not judgmental. Then he went into how today, we are judgmental, and claim we should not judge. Reverend Billy then said, “The heart of Christianity is judgment without condemnation.”  I like that.  The proof, he said, lies in what Jesus said to the elders. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”  Then he told the woman, “Go, and sin no more.”  According to Pastor Billy, Jesus knew he was destined to suffer for the sins of the condemned woman.

I guess I cannot claim to be a particularly religious man, but I do believe, and I think I am better for going to church and listening to a good man while in the presence of other good folks.  I might not be as well versed on the Ten Commandments as I should be, but I I know it takes two people to commit adultery.  The question is, am I judging, or being judgmental if I wonder where the son-of-a-bitch was who was with her?

The service ended, and left me with a few questions to ponder as I drove to Publix to pick up the failing Sunday New York Times.  I was lucky to park close to the front of the store, so I could leave my sunglasses and hat in the car, and dash to the store as fast as my sandals allow without burning my bald head.

As I made a dash to get out of the sun, I saw about fifteen Black folks in front of the store.  A young girl of about 15 approached me. It took a bit of courage for a young Black girl to stop me, alone, a White man of 67.  If nothing else, she deserved my attention.

I don’t often mention my father.  We never really saw eye-to-eye on much, and he chose to live his life in a way that was different from me. Maybe some of it wasn’t so much his choice versus mine, but just the way life was. One thing he taught, was that his children were to look up to no one, and down on no one.  Dad had a smile for everyone, a smile that was contagious.  He would have stopped to chat with this young girl.  Maybe I learned it from him.  Maybe not, but he was a man who men liked.

Now, I judged this young girl. After all, she was asking for money. I wanted to know why, what they were going to do with the money, and who was in charge. Turns out, these folks were on a church project to raise money for school supplies for kids in Jamaica.  She did a good job of answering my questions. She spoke well, carried herself well, and looked me in the eye.  I teased her a little.  “You’re not planning to use the money to go to the beach are you?” She said she wasn’t, and I said it was OK if she had some fun while in Jamaica.

This seemed like a good project to me. I like the idea of young kids, Black or not, raising money to help someone less fortunate, and going to see where it is used, in a place of severe poverty.  I asked a lot of questions, and gave her more money than she expected.

This young girl asked for my attention, deserved it, and I gave it to her.  When we finished, I complimented her and told her I was impressed.  Did I judge, or was I being judgmental?

As I started to leave, another girl approached a man, burly and tattooed.  He didn’t even offer her the courtesy of a look as he brushed past her into the store. The girl grimaced.  I could tell it hurt.  I stopped her, and said, “Don’t take that on yourself.  That says nothing about you, and everything you need to know about him.” She nodded.

Did I judge him, or was I being judgmental?  Was he in a hurry?  That’s no excuse to not smile and move on.  Not even acknowledging another’s existence is a terrible thing to do to another, especially a child.  I saw how painful it was to her.   It begs a terrible question…was he racist?  Did he do it because she was Black? Am I being judgmental?  I judged the girl and asked a lot of questions.  Am I racist?

I don’t like the class of folks who are in the other political party.  I find them stupid. Well, at least until I talk to them.  I find that I even like a few.  Trouble is, few people talk anymore.

In today’s world, stopping to talk to people, greeting them has become odd behavior.  Its gone the way of my father; it is dead. My father never had a cell phone.  He never sent a text message.  He never thought he was so important that he had to be available at all times.  He wore a suit and tie to work and had a corner office. He didn’t go out to the factory floor because of some social idea from human resources.  He never fell into the trap of thinking of those folks as “less than.”  He liked to hang out in the factory with the folks he called, “real people.”  I never, in all my life,

saw him ignore another person.  Has it really become our nature? Are we afraid to talk to one another, or do we just not care? Have we become that cold?  Or just lost in our machines?  I am waiting for a heart transplant. What I want to do once the wait is over is to turn my phone off at night, and leave it home when I go to the store.  I want to turn it off when I am with someone I like so I can talk to them.  You know, the old fashioned way, while looking that person in the eye.

It feels strange walking into that place, but the folks here are my friends now.  I keep going back and have been for months. On the surface, I have little in common with these people. A few are good friends but everyone is kind. The folks who work there all greet me and ask how I am. The others are mostly old, some sick, and facing what I don’t have to face.  I greet most of them. When I smile a them, they smile back, some surprised when I say “hello.”  Maybe it’s because they are not being ignored.

We all share one thing; kindness to one another and a promise of only today.  I will get a new heart.  Soon, I hope, and put off what they face, then get on with a new adventure. They help me wait for a heart, asking if there is any news every time I see them.

“Not yet.  Soon, I hope.”  I look into their faces and feel as if I have disappointed them once again.

I had planned to be on the ocean now, sailing the South Pacific, living a life of adventure.  I thought I would be sitting on a long white beach on the edge of the jungle, surrounded by women with long black hair and skin like oiled cedar, wearing grass skirts, eating freshly caught fish and drinking fruit juice by a drift-wood fire under the stars, resting up for the next leg of a long sail. Ariadne, my sailboat would be safely at anchor in a serene bay.  She was my home for years, and is now for sale.

On the other hand, perhaps I am supposed to be leading a difficult engineering project as I have done to make my daily bread for many years.  It might be project in China, where I only have a week or two to figure out a machine performance problem with a bunch of guys lost in some form of root cause analysis that only works when the answer is easy.

The woman in the grass skirt, and the guy lost in his engineering project all have something to teach me. So do these old people here. I only find out through the stories they tell me.

Several years ago I was in Bangkok with my son, then 20 years old or so.  We were sitting at railing outside a cafe late one night watching people as they worked and reveled in the city of pleasure.  He was having a beer, and I was having mineral water.  I asked him what he thought about one woman of negotiable virtue as she passed by with a guy many years her senior.  My son judged her a bit harshly, as a young man would. We then talked about what might be her story, a story we knew nothing about. I knew her story was as short as she was young, but likely a harsh one.  She was doing what she could to survive one more day.

Mary and Dr. Raymond, both patients in their 90’s, have become good friends at this place, where I go for physical therapy three times a week, and where I lived for two months after coming out of a coma, weak, and unable to walk. I don’t just go for therapy, but because I want to hear their stories.  I look forward to the hour I am there.  I talk and listen, and know the therapists think I should spend more time doing therapy and less time talking.

Stories from people like Mary and Dr. Raymond are as long as they are old.  There are harsh parts to the stories.  Dr.  Raymond was an infantryman in Europe in WW II, and became a trauma surgeon after the war.  He has a hard time remembering names, but I love it when he calls out mine with a smile on his face from his wheelchair as soon as he sees me.  I get to know him through his stories that are history to me.

Mary lost her husband not long ago, and it pains her to talk about it, but her eyes brighten when she tells me about her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.

Who are these people who tell these stories?  Are they the people we spurned as foolish in the 60’s and 70’s?  Are they the people who went to war in the 40’s almost all from humble homes constrained by good manners?  This room for therapy is filled with kindness, and people from different races and languages.  I have heard Thai, English, Spanish, and know there are people from much of the Caribbean.  There are patients of many races, and therapists of as many races taking care of them, all mixed together. It makes up the story of this place. I am a little part of that story and can make it better with just a smile, an ear, and a little story or two of my own.

Mary walked over to me today while Melody sat not far away.  It takes her a while but I knew she was coming to talk to me.  I was lifting my legs in an exercise Melody had me doing.

Mary said, “John, put your legs down.”  I did.  “I prayed all weekend for you to get a heart.”  She leaned over and kissed me, and I kissed her back. What a wonderful act of kindness!

Melody said, “I think I am going to cry.”

I am grateful for the chance to tell you a little about my story here at Florida Hospital and the Bartch House

My adventure in getting a new heart started in October.  I had left Panama, where I lived on my boat and had prepared to sail around the world.  I flew to Tampa on business, and passed out while driving. I had surgery to replace a leaky heart valve, had an allergic reaction to a drug, which resulted in a massive heart attack and coma.  I came to, weeks later in November.  My son, Sam and my former wife, Barbara, who is now my good friend, had flown down from New Hampshire and were with me.

I had no idea where I was. Sam said I was in Orlando, which confused me. I thought I was in Tampa. I asked a few questions, such as how I got here (it was by helicopter) and the date.  I had been unconscious for three weeks. My skin was hanging loosely from my body, my hands were gloved and tied to the bed, and I had tubes everywhere.  I looked around, wondering what had happened and they told me how close I came to death; that the doctors at the Florida Hospital had saved my life.

Sam asked if I wanted to know who won the presidential election and the World Series.  I kept looking around, still confused, and said, “Just tell me who won the World Series.”

I have to tell how much I came to actually liking being in the hospital and the Bartch House.  I can’t think of another way to put it.  Yes, I want to get out and to get on with life, but I like it here. Florida Hospital and the Bartch House are not just about my physical health.  I know the importance of a spiritual center, and I work on it.   As a transplant patient, I know I am responsible for my own recovery, and spirituality is key.  Florida Hospital and the folks at the Bartch House make it easy. I like being treated as a spiritual being here, not just a patient.  In the initial stages of recovery, there was a woman who came to my room every day to clean, and she held my hand and prayed with me.  That is as important as meeting with the best doctors and nurses.  The woman who drives the shuttle bus, a Haitian refugee, said she will pray for me.

When I made my first outpatient visit to the Transplant Institute, one of the nurses looked at me and said, “Mr. Allen, look at you!  You look wonderful! And to think how sick you were just a few weeks ago!” I stood at the desk talking with her and a few other people.  One said, “Mr. Allen, you are part of our family now and you will be for the rest of your life.”

Do you have any idea what that means to me?  Do you have any idea what it meant to my son, who sat with me day after day, not knowing if I would live?  The Bartch House family is part of that.  I am grateful, and so is every other person who stays there.

The Bartch House is becoming a spiritual center for transplant patients and just as important, their families.

I am now waiting for “The Call” for a heart.  I got the first one a few weeks ago.  I hung up the phone, and was ecstatic.  I would live!  Then, I was annoyed with myself.  Someone had died that day, someone much younger. His family, in the toughest day of their life, had seen their way to provide a stranger with the gift of life. I prayed for him, then as calmly as I could, made my way to the hospital.  I must say, I was not in the least bit afraid, but I did pray until I was sedated.

I came to a few hours later, and thought, “Wow, there is nothing to this heart transplant stuff.  I feel great.”

Then I was told that the donor heart was 31 years old with advanced heart disease, and rejected. The person who told me seemed more disappointed than I was. “Well,” I said, “They don’t make them in a factory.”

So, now, I wait for “The Call” once more. I always have my phone with me and if it rings now, I will have a look to see who it is.

This is the message I want to convey.  The Bartch house kitchen, dining area, living area and the beautiful porch have become important places for people to meet. This is where people help me wait. This is where I have made friends with whom I will share a bond…for life.

There are women and men with loved ones with whom they spent a tiring day in the hospital.  They come to the Bartch House tired, and possibly sad and frightened, and might be offered some tuna casserole made by another guest.    All of them, to a person, talk about the care they receive.

More than once, I have heard a person say, “Where does this hospital find such good people?”

Some guests are frightened, but they find someone to talk to and share their story.  A woman waiting for a lung transplant met another woman who had one a few months prior, and is doing well.  By the way, she has become famous for her jigsaw puzzles and is now known as the puzzle queen.  There are 11 completed puzzles now on the tables you have provided. Whenever someone checks in, we ask them if the front desk told them that they have to put in two hours a night on the puzzles.  It isn’t the puzzles that matter. It is the talking and sharing that happens when we do the puzzles.

I also met a woman with six kidneys…a man who got a heart and kidney, another man whose wife has waited for years for an organ, and and how kind they are to one another. It’s there for all the people at the Bartch House to see. I met two men who had bone marrow transplants and I now communicate with one by email.  I have made a few friends for life.

Soon, I will share the important gift, the treasure of a new organ that keeps so many of us alive.

Gratitude is what the Bartch House is all about.  It is a place to share stories, and a place of comfort.  It is a place where the staff is generous with their time, and as kind as the amazing people who work at Florida hospital.

John Allen

John.allen@tnsft.com

Waiting for a new heart involves a bit of gallows humor.  You just cant help it, but the fact is, someone younger than me will die, and will generously donate a heart which will become mine.  You might read this and just think it’s interesting.  Waiting for a heart which will keep me alive brings this theoretical paradox to reality.  When I received the first call for a heart, I was in my car, and felt excitement, and relief.  I would live!  Then I chastised myself; someone had died that day, someone younger than me.  I said a prayer of gratitude for him.  It turns out, he was much younger; 31 years old.  When I came to in the recovery room the next day, my first thought was, “Wow.  There is nothing to this heart transplant stuff.  I feel great!”

While still in a groggy state, someone, a nurse, I guess, told me that the donor had advanced heart disease.  As Lucille so aptly said, it was a clunker.  Now, I wait for a new one.  It has been a few weeks, I think, and each day at the top of the list seems longer.

The chaplain who later visited me in the hospital and mostly listened as I pontificated about this paradox gave indication that she wanted to leave when she said, “Let’s pray for a new heart for you.”  I said, I couldn’t, and would rather pray for the donor who lost his life and whose heart could not be used.  How noble of me.  My nobility is waning.

I was in the Fresh Market at the fish counter on Ash Wednesday, standing next to two women in their late 70’s or so, each with the sign of the cross on their foreheads in ashes.   They asked the guy behind the counter about the salmon.  I interrupted and said, “Don’t buy that.  Its farmed fish, eats corn full of chemicals and antibiotics and has to be colored to make it look like salmon.”  They were a bit shocked at my interruption, and asked what they should buy instead. “The Copper River Salmon.  Look at it.  It’s rich in color and the best you can buy.”

They were shocked at the priced difference.  The farmed salmon was $6 a pound, vs. $19 for the Copper River.

“We are nuns living in the convent.  We can’t afford that.”

My lingering Catholic guilt came to bear on me while standing there with no ashes on my head, and having skipped church for more than a few Sundays…many more. I went into a diatribe of elementary school, Sister Mark, who was as mean as a snake, and Sister Bernadette who as kind as a woman could be.  They laughed as I told them of the paddling I had received from Sister Mark.  The fish guy waited with his elbows on the counter.

“I will buy a pound of the salmon for you,” I said.

“No, we can’t accept such a gift.”

“It’s not a gift. We are making a deal.”

The fish guy then weighed out a piece that was almost a pound and a half, looked at me with a sly grin, wrapped it and handed it to the nuns.  It was nearly $10 over what I had planned on, but the nuns were cautiously pleased.

“I am waiting for a new heart at Florida Hospital.  I will trade the fish for a prayer for a new heart, since you two have a direct link to God.”

They took the fish, smiled, and said they would say much more than one prayer. I thought, my heart is on its way, and the hell…I mean, to heck with the nobility I had displayed to the hospital chaplain.  I wish I knew where the convent is.  I am still waiting.

Today, I took a more direct approach.  I was back in the same Fresh Market today, where the nurses come wearing scrubs.  There was one picking oranges from the same bin as me.

“Do all the nurses stop here for food on the way home?”

“I am on my way to work, just picking up a few things for lunch.”

“I am on the heart transplant list at Florida Hospital.  Dr. Silvestry is my surgeon,” I said with a bit of pride.

“I have heard of him, but never met him. I am in the neuro ICU.”

“What’s that mean?”

“We deal with brain trauma.  Many of the transplant donors come from our ICU.  They are brain dead and we keep the organs functioning.”

“Well, its Bike Week and Spring Break here in Florida.  Maybe I will have a heart soon.”

“Perhaps.  You just might,” she said with a smile.

john.tnsft@me.com

Dear Mom,

I should be working now, instead of sitting at my desk on the boat writing, but frankly, I am a bit tired and a little sad. Don’t worry, I will get over my sadness. I just have to be grateful for all I have, how lucky I am, and, that I am even alive.

I think of you often, Mom. I am, for the most part, doing well. You would be livid over our new president, but I doubt we would be arguing politics, as we often did. All I can say is, that he is not a gentleman. I didn’t vote for him, but I was in the hospital in a coma, so I cannot take the high ground. It reminds me of the comment I made when you were in the hospital when Jimmy Carter ran against Ronald Reagan, and I told you that God struck you down so you couldn’t vote. I never said I was sorry, even though you kicked me out of your hospital room.

February 6, I had a reserved slot to pass through the Panama Canal, spend a few days in the Las Perlas Islands off the coast of Panama to wait for a weather window, then make the long, twenty five-day sail across the Pacific to the Marquises, then on to French Polynesia, the Solomon’s and Australia and, countless other islands in the South Pacific. I had hoped to sail north to Japan, then to Alaska, and down through Puget Sound and stop in San Francisco. It takes a long time to prepare, and Ariadne, my boat, was ready. My Aussie sailing partners, Karen and Dave Pratt on S/V Amokura messaged me today, telling me how they will miss me. I will miss them as well. The Pacific this time of year is long swells, beautiful sea, and the wind behind the mast day after day. My boat is ready for this long adventure. My body is not, and never will be again. I told Mark, whom as you recall, has been my friend since I was 12, that I was disappointed and a bit sad that I would miss this adventure. Mark said, “You have had far more than your fair share of adventure in this life.” I have.

I came to Tampa on October 12 to buy a few things for Ariadne, planning to go on to Ohio to teach a seminar with David. I was driving north on I-275 in Tampa in heavy traffic on my way to the airport, plenty of time to spare. I felt dizzy, then immediately passed out. Don’t worry, Mom. I didn’t hit anyone or anything. The car veered into a ditch, hitting no other cars, and doing no damage. There were two good Samaritans who came to my help and called the police and an ambulance. I said, “Yes” when the policeman asked if I could walk up the embankment, I stood, threw up, and collapsed. The cop carried my then 190-pound body up the hill and placed me on a stretcher. I was taken to St Josephs, a mile or so away, examined, and found to have a defective heart valve. Two days later, I had open heart surgery to replace it with a valve from a cow. After surgery, my sailing plan was still intact. I would be back on my boat in no time at all.

Two days into recovery, my world changed forever.

I came to in a room full of machines. Barbara was sitting next to me and Sam, in the doorway, tubes in my mouth nose, legs, chest…and every other place you can think of.

“Hey, Dad, you want to know who won the World Series and the election?”

I rolled over and passed out again, thinking he had a poor sense of humor. The elections were not for two more weeks, I thought, not knowing I had had a massive heart attack from a drug reaction, been in a coma for three weeks on life support machines, lost 26 pounds and flirted constantly with death. Nor did I know that the doctors in Tampa had no idea what was wrong with me, and helicoptered me to Florida Hospital in Orlando where the heart team there saved my life.

I thought a lot about this today. I remember when you came to me in a vision while I was in a coma, and said I would get a new heart on February 4. It has come and gone, Mom. Did you mean February 14? I hope so. I recall how you looked when you appeared to me. You were about 50 or so, younger than I am.

Lucille has done more for me than I can say, Mom. We have become close. She was present for all the important things that happened in the hospital and made decisions for me when I could not. Christine has called me nearly every day. She is a wonderful grandmother. You taught her well. Diane and Mary Ellen have kept in constant touch. Diane and Chris talked all the time when I was in a coma, my life in the balance, and cried, thinking I would die. I love it that they cried for me. I am glad I survived, so that I could find sort of a perverse pleasure in how many people were crying, and praying for me.

Ariadne is for sale, which breaks my heart. I loved living on a boat and the sea. I loved being in Panama, a place where I stayed longer than I wanted to, because I fell in love with a beautiful woman whose parents were from China. She was fun, laughed a lot, and could fish better than I could. I wanted her to sail with me, but she got miserably sea sick. I didn’t do the right thing by her. I have not done well in love. In the years that have long past, I told myself and those who would listen that my family was certainly first. That was delusional. My work and my ambition was first.

Now, I am tethered to a medicine bag, waiting for a new heart. Do you think you could have a chat with God? I don’t want someone to die to save my life, but would you please help those who make these decisions to see that there is a heart for me? On February 14, if that’s not too much to ask?

I miss you, Mom. I was close to being the first to come to see you in heaven, but I suspect I would have had to spend some time in purgatory with Dad before God let me into heaven.

Love,

john

As a young man, I sought pleasure, looking in all the wrong places, for all the wrong things. Pleasure was an escape.

As an older man, I seek pleasure, but it is a journey, by way of